The (A)typical Gundam Wing Fanfic
by Tsaiko
Summary: Duo and Heero have a mission. They have to act like a gay couple. Things do not turn out like you expect. How many plot cliches can I fit into one story and make it both beleivable and entertaining? Let's find out.
1. The (A)typical Gundam Wing Fanfic

The (A)Typical Gundam Wing Fanfic by Tsaiko

The (A)typical Gundam Wing Fanfic

Warnings: The story is pretty tame right now (though I use a lot of stereotypes, and the characters thoughts might not be the cleanest in the world). It will eventually contain some very graphic scenes of sex between Duo and Heero. And not very happy, cheery scenes either. 

Disclaimer: None of the Gundam Wing characters are mine. They belong to whomever they belong to. I am making no money off of this. I'm unemployed. That should clue you into my financial status. So don't bother trying to sue me. 

Just a few comments, and then you can get to the story. I like writing the impossible. It's a hobby of mine. The premise of this story is to take some horrible cliches from the GW fanfic universe and put them believably into one story. Consequently, it has a really contrived plot. Only things don't turn out quite the way you would think. 

______________________________________________________

When Heero opened his laptop, the first thing that caught his eye was the blinking mail icon. Only one person had this mail address. Dr. J. Which meant that a new mission had come in. 

Either that, or the Viagra people had tracked him down again. No matter how many times he shut down their websites, their mail accounts, and their servers they insisted on sending him spam. They tracked down his new mail accounts faster and more efficiently than Relena ever could. When was the Viagra company (1) going to learn that he did not need to improve his sex life. He didn't _have_ a sex life. 

At least, Heero didn't until he opened the new mission file. 

If Heero were surprised, disgusted, overjoyed, angry, or even annoyed it didn't reflect on his face. The only thing that showed on his face was the soft glow of the laptop screen. 

His eyes darted back and forth along the lines of text. A few keystrokes later, and the mission was forwarded to Duo. Then those dreaded words were sent back to Dr. J making the whole farce irreversible. 

"Mission accepted." 

______________________________________________________

Two cities, and a hundred miles away, Duo was having a totally different reaction to the mission. He had entered the apartment building looking like the world had just ended. The mission specs had come in while he was goofing off in class. His beeper, which displayed mail, had gone off. Like an idiot, he had checked it. 

Duo had decided that life was not fair. 

He hated the professors. Correction, he _loathed_ the professors. Despite the fact that this was indeed a mission, he knew they had somehow set it all up. It fit their sick sense of humor. Nothing anyone could possibly say would convince him otherwise. 

Never mind that the logic behind the mission was valid. Never mind that the target was a high ranking scientist which regularly produced some of the most cutting edge technology for OZ. Never mind that the information they gathered could decide the war. Duo knew that someone, somewhere was having a good laugh at his expense (2). 

"You are home early Duo. Did you decide to actually do your homework this afternoon?" The voice came from behind Duo, as he walked slowly down the hall. Wufei came up behind the braided pilot, a mesh bag full of clean laundry was slung over one shoulder. The Chinese boy held a key in hand, prepared an entire hallway away to enter their apartment. 

"What about you? Laundry more important than class today?" Wufei had always been really big about learning while in school between missions. Duo didn't see the point. Why pay attention to stuff you already knew when you could be having fun? 

Wufei didn't immediately respond. Duo moved out of the way, allowing the Chinese pilot access to the door. The braided pilot could have fished his own key out of his pocket. But why bother when Wufei already had his out? Both Duo and Wufei moved inside the apartment. The front door was closed and locked before Wufei responded. 

"I am un-enrolled as of this morning. I will be leaving the city by tomorrow afternoon. My half of next month's rent is on the counter." The wording was carefully deliberate. With no mention of a mission. 

"Don't bother. I got a new mission too. I'll give the landlord our two week notice. Got to remember to un-enroll. Already got enough incompletes on my record." Duo stated as he flopped down on the couch. 

Wufei's paranoia was not new. It wasn't that the pilot of Shen-long didn't trust Duo. It was that Wufei didn't trust anyone. Even his fellow pilots. The Chinese pilot seemed to think that anyone could and would become his enemy at some time. Duo found that outlook annoying, and had decided that the best way to deal with it was to ignore it. 

"Ah." There was a pause as Wufei put his laundry in his bedroom and returned to the front room. "Before I leave I can hack the school system again and un-enroll you." 

"Thanks Wufei. That's one less thing I have to worry about." Duo leaned back against the sofa, letting the thick cushions swallow him in their softness. Trying to let the tension flow from his body. It didn't work. So instead Duo balled up his fist and hit the arm of the sofa. Hard. 

"Ow!" Duo shook his hand as the pain from hitting a padded piece of solid wood registered in his knuckles. One of Wufei's eyebrows rose at his fellow pilot's behavior. Something was wrong. Now all Wufei had to do was wait. It would be a cold day in Hell before Duo could keep quiet about anything that was bothering him. 

It wasn't a very long wait. 

"Wufei, do I act gay?" The Chinese pilot stared, to shocked to answer. "No really. Do I act gay? We've been sharing this apartment for about three months between missions. Have you ever once thought that I was coming on to you?" 

_Are you now?_ Wufei thought irrationally before reason took over.. 

Wufei recognized the question for what it really was. One of those rare questions with no right answer. Suppose he said "No, you're not gay" and Duo really was. Then the pilot of Shen-long would be alienating one of his fellow pilots. Now suppose he said "Yes, I did think you were gay" and Duo wasn't. Then the pilot of Shen-long would be alienating one of his fellow pilots. 

Women are accused of asking these kind of questions all the time. Meiran had done it with annoying frequency. Wufei had just learned that men could do it too. So he did what he'd done when his wife had asked those kind of questions. 

Sputter a lot then act indignant. 

"Maxwell! I hardly think I'm qualified to make that kind of judgment." There was a pause as Wufei considered his next question. _What could possibly make Duo Maxwell question his sexuality?_ "Duo, did something happen at school today?" 

"Why yes, Dad. One of the older kids took me behind the bleachers and taught me exactly what they mean when they use the term `butt monkey'." Silence met Duo's lame attempt at a joke. So he looked up. 

"I'll kill him. Not with my sword. I would not dirty its blade with his blood. I swear, Maxwell, I will obtain revenge for your loss of honor..." It was too much for Duo. Wufei ranting like a maniac not for justice, not for honor, but because of a loss of innocence that had never happened. 

The braided pilot laughed until his sides hurt, until he had his arms wrapped around his ribs to keep them from breaking. And if there was a slightly hysterical note to his laughter, well, he was willing to ignore it if Wufei was. 

Wufei, for his part, let his rant trail off. It had served its purpose. Serving as an outlet of release for the tension that gripped his fellow pilot while reassuring him that everything was right with the world. The Chinese pilot hid his smile behind a mask of indifference as Duo's chuckles wound down. He knew he had a tendency to go into full rant mode. It was about time he had a situation where he could use it to his advantage. 

"Thanks, Wufei. I'll be sure to let you know if I ever need my `honor' defended." Duo smiled a bit, but it quickly drained away. "Which might be a lot sooner than you think." The Chinese pilot didn't respond to the cryptic statement in words. Yet his whole attitude was one of listening. Duo sighed. 

"I got a mission today in class. A joint mission with Heero. Basic hacking, spying job. Trying to get some information out of a high ranking OZ scientist. Only two problems. One, OZ knows that this guy is a loose cannon. He's just too smart and too good at his job to get rid of. So they watch him like a hawk under normal circumstances. 

"The other problem is that OZ knows we're going to try and milk this guy for information. They've compiled all the information they have on Gundam pilots, mostly personality profiles and such. They're going to be looking for anyone trying to get close to this guy fitting the sketchy descriptions and personalities of us. So Heero and I will have to go under cover. 

Duo, who had been talking to the floor the entire time, raised his head to look Wufei in the eyes. "Wufei, the professors want us to act like a gay couple." 

______________________________________________________

While Duo was having kittens, Heero was setting up their new identities. It was something he had down countless time before. It involved opening a certain illegal program on his laptop and inserting the correct information into the proper spaces. Then he could then insert specially made paper (or plastic) into the printer, hit a button, and as far as the government was concerned be another person. He even had a small tabletop laminator to do the final part. 

But what identities to give himself and Duo? That was the problem. Heero had logged into the internet, and had two browser windows open. One was being used to make reservations, set up false phone numbers, transfer money into new bank accounts, etc. The other browser window was being used to find out. information. 

After all, Heero had never been gay before. 

He had already decided on his and Duo's names. After that the id's had been no problem. A few file photos and Heero had all the legal documents they would ever need. Including a "partner" certificate. In other words, Duo and Heero were married. At least down on paper. 

The pilot of Wing considered doing research on the actual mechanics of being gay. It would be a good precaution if something went wrong. If for some reason Heero and Duo had to go beyond acting and pretending. Yet somehow, Heero's mind just was not creative enough to think of a situation where they would _need_ to go that far (3). 

Besides, Heero was not comfortable with the slight thrill that went through him at the thought of having sex. Or reading about sex. Or watching sex. A soldier needed to concentrate on the task at hand. A soldier had to remain focused. A soldier did not need to get distracted in the heat of battle with thoughts of sweaty, naked bodies moving together, touching each other... 

Heero jerked himself from his thoughts. This curiosity was dangerous. It need to be stopped, now, before it got out of hand. With that decision made, the pilot of Wing got ready to shut the browser windows. His hand was on the mouse when something caught his eye. 

It was a word. A Japanese word consisting of four letters. Hero could not believe the number of pages that came up when he typed the word into the search engines. It was unbelievable. Yaoi, it seemed, made up a large part of the internet community. 

An internal battle raged as hero tried to decide whether or not to investigate this further. A solider should not _want_ to read about such things. It would distract him. It would influence and possibly endanger him on the mission. However, reading such material might be useful for the mission. It's wouldn't be reading for pleasure. It would be doing research for the mission. 

Heero nodded to himself. The decision was made. He clicked on the first link. Soon a page full of text came onto the screen. With a slight shift in his chair, and a sense of anticipation, Heero began to read. 

______________________________________________________

(1)- The author would like to state that she doesn't hate Viagra per se. Just the people employed by Viagra and their cheap knockoffs who keep sending her SPAM. 

(2)- That would be the author as she writes this thing during her classes. 

(3)- Luckily the author does not suffer from this handicap. 

**The (A)typical Gundam Wing Fanfic**  
By[ Tsaiko][1]   
_© 2001, Tsaiko_  


   [1]: mailto:tsaiko1@hotmail.com



	2. Part 2

The (A)typical Gundam Wing Fanfic: Part two

The (A)typical Gundam Wing Fanfic: Part two

Warnings: The story is pretty tame right now (though I use a lot of stereotypes, and the character's thoughts might not be the cleanest in theworld). It will eventually contain some very graphic scenes of sex between Duo and Heero. And not very happy, cheery scenes either. 

Disclaimer: None of the Gundam Wing characters are mine. They belong to whomever they belong to. I am making no money off of this. I'm unemployed. That should clue you into my financial status. So don't bother trying to sue me. 

________________________________________________________________ 

The package had arrived yesterday. Wrapped in plain brown paper and tied with string, the package had had no return address. It was a large awkward bundle. Kind of soft. After some poking and prodding, Duo had given the package a good shake. No rattling or ticking. 

If anyone ever sent Duo a bomb as a Christmas present, he'd kill himself with curiosity. Literally. 

Normally Duo would have fallen upon the package like a starving South Park rat. He'd recognized the handwriting on the label, however. Only one person wrote that perfectly neat in print. Heero. 

Which meant that it had to deal with the mission. Upon realizing this Duo had held the package as far as he could from his body. He knew it was childish. He didn't care. The package had been deposited on a box in the corner of the room, and then Duo had gone to wash his hands. 

For the rest of yesterday and all of today, Duo had felt the weight of the package. It was there. Sitting. Waiting to spring disaster upon him. If the thing had eyes, Duo would swear it was looking at him. 

*This is ridiculous. I'm a trained Gundam pilot. I should be able to handle one little package.* Despite the bravo in his words, Duo approached the package like it was a rabid animal. He picked it up gently and sat down on the couch. 

And then he stared at it. 

*Come on, Duo. You can do this. Just think of it as you would any package. I mean, it could be worse. Wufei could be here to share in this moment of joy.* Duo snickered at the thought. *Okay, I'm going to open it now. But if there's any kinky stuff in here, me and Heero are going to have a serious throwdown.* 

Duo tried to carefully untie the string. He only seemed to make the knots tighter. Finally, Duo dug in his pocket and withdrew his pocketknife. He used the sharp blade to cut the string. Soon only brown paper covered the package. 

It should have been much easier to open after that. It wasn't. Heero had gone absolutely nuts with the packing tape. Duo pulled and strained and even tried to use his teeth on the tape. Eventually he broke down and resorted to using his pocketknife again. Even with a razor sharp blade, the packing tape didn't give up until the very end. (1) 

Duo wiped sweat off his forehead. The package was still reasonably whole, thought the brown paper was torn in several places. White tissue paper and lavender cloth poked through the tears. Curious now, the braided pilot pulled the brown paper back. Then there was only room for one thought in his head. 

*My God, Heero went shopping.* 

________________________________________________________________ 

Heero had gone shopping and was, in fact, wearing the clothes he had gotten right now. He felt conspicuous. No one had given him a second look since he'd been at the airport. There was reason for him to want to fidget. To make sure his shirt was still tucked in. To check to see if their was anything on his shoe. To make sure his new earring was still there. 

A woman walked by talking on her cell phone. She was so absorbed in her conversation that she tripped over Heero's carry-on luggage. The woman shot him an evil look. Heero returned with one of his won. In the silent battle of wills, Heero won sending the woman scurrying off to her destination. 

*Calm down. You can not afford to draw attention to yourself. Not if the mission is going to get done. Duo will be here before the plane leaves. He will be in costume. He is a trained Gundam pilot.* 

Heero was not reassured. 

"I hope you're not going to be like this the entire mission." Only years of training kept Heero from jumping and pulling his gun. Somehow, in only a moderately crowded airport terminal with Heero looking for him, Duo had managed to come up behind the pilot of Wing without being noticed. It was a startling reminder of why Duo was a Gundam pilot. 

"You're late" Heero said without bothering to turn around. 

"No, I'm not. The plane doesn't leave till..." Duo paused as he checked the tickets. "...2:35. I have twenty minutes." 

"Have you checked your luggage?" 

"Only have a carry-on. Assumed you took care of the rest since I got the package." 

"Correct. I'll brief you in a few minutes." A pause."Are you clean?" 

Loud, exaggerated sniffing sounds came from behind Heero. "I took a shower this morning." 

"Duo, can you and your carry-on go through airport security without setting off the metal detectors?" 

"Yeah, sure. I sent everything dangerous through the mail." The problem was Heero wasn't sure whether or not to believe the statement. Even though he had made all the arrangement, it was entirely possible that Duo had tracked down where they were staying and shipped something to the address. Or he could just be joking. 

"Let's go." Heero picked up his carry-on. It was done in the same floral pattern as the luggage he'd bought for the mission. Duo sighed. When he started walking, the pilot of Shinagami hurried to catch up. He would walk behind the pilot of Wing, but it tended to make Heero nervous. 

Heero studied Duo as they walked through the airport. He was wearing the outfit. A lavender silk shirt tucked into gray slacks with dark suspenders. Black loafers took the place of his normal tennis shoes. A neatly tied royal purple tie hung around his neck. The cross was only thing that remained of Duo's normally black wardrobe. 

Heero was wearing his disguise as well. A tight ribbed tank top covered by a blue flannel over shirt with the top four buttons undone. Both it and the tank top were neatly tucked into tight black jeans. Dark, non-descript hiking boots and a new earring in one lobe finished the look. 

"Nice earring," Duo commented. 

"Hn." They walked in silence for a few more feet. 

"So how come I have to look like a reject from a Gay Pride meeting and you get to look like a neat-freak lumberjack (2)?" Duo asked under his breath. 

*Because I'm the seme.* For a brief, horrible moment Heero thought he'd spoken his thoughts out loud. Relief came when he realized he hadn't. Still the question deserved a response. "If I thought you would cut your hair, I would have sent you this outfit." 

"Are you trying to say I'm not manly enough to pull that look off?" Heero stopped and turned to look openly at Duo. His eyes raked up and down the braided pilot's form. Duo tried not to shift nervously under such an intense gaze. 

"Not in that outfit." 

Heero continued calmly walking towards the metal detectors. Du stared after him in shock. People started to stop and stare. Finally , Duo managed to shake himself out of it and hurried after Heero. 

It was after they had gotten through the metal detectors that the two pilots found out that their plane would be delayed ten minutes. *Just long enough for me to debrief Duo.* Heero's hormones cheered happily. *Not in any sexual way. I am on a mission.* 

"So exactly who am I supposed to be on this mission? And what do I call you?" Duo's questions brought Heero's attention back to the world around him before a full-blown argument could start in his head. In response, Heero reached into a side pocket on his carry- on. He pulled out a handful of id and papers, and handed them to the braided pilot. 

"Your name is Ashley Randolph Jacobs III. You're 17, a rich kid that likes to party. There should be several hundred dollars in tens, twenties, and hundreds in the wallet in the envelope. I left your family history up to you. There's a school id for Southwark Academy. It's a prep school in the state of Maryland in the United States. A driver's license for D.C., a video rental card, two credit cards with a $10,000 limit each. No charges yet. Some random phone numbers, and a couple of pictures of us together." 

Duo listened as he went through the wallet, silently counting the money. Eight hundred and seventy dollars. He briefly looked over the id's, wincing at the pictures on them. They were horrible which made them that much more believable. Heero waited for Duo's comments. 

"Ashley? That has got to be the gayest sounding name known to man," Duo stated. There was a pause. "What's your name?" 

"Julian." 

"I stand corrected. I assume there's a passport in here somewhere?" 

"In the envelope. My name is Julian Hayashibara, no middle name. I'm a Japanese American. We've been going since you came out at fourteen. I didn't develop a past for me, we'll say I don't like to talk about it. We're less likely to slip up that way. About two weeks ago we eloped and became partners legally. This is our honeymoon, your parents way of giving their approval on the match." 

"Wait a minute. Elope? Honeymoon? We're married!?" Duo didn't wait for an answer. He leaned his head back against the wall until it gave a satisfying thunk. "I'm going to Hell." Heero ignored Duo's melodramtics. 

"We'll use the plane ride to get use to our roles. Any questions?" 

"Just one. Do we have to do this?" Duo asked trying to keep a note of whining out of his voice. He failed. Heero didn't care. 

"Yes." A woman's voice came over the loud speakers announcing that first class passengers should begin boarding Flight 1275 to Raleigh. "That's our flight, Ashley. Remember what I said and what we need to do on the plane." 

"Yes, *Julian*. Whatever you say *Julian.*" 

Privately, in the back of his thoughts where no one could here him, Duo prayed that the entire world would go to Hell for what it was doing to him. 

________________________________________________________________ 

(1)- Get the feeling the author has encountered this package before? Stupid relatives and their abuse of the packing tape. 

(2)- Everybody now. "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay..." 

**The (A)typical Gundam Wing Fanfic**  
By[ Tsaiko][1]   
_© 2001, Tsaiko_  


   [1]: mailto:tsaiko1@hotmail.com



	3. Part 3

The (A)typical Gundam Wing Fanfic: Part 3

Warnings: The story is pretty tame right now (though I use a lot of stereotypes, and the characters thoughts might not be the cleanest in the world). We'll give it a PG-13 for right now. It will eventually contain some very graphic scenes of sex between Duo and Heero. And not very happy, cheery scenes either.

Disclaimer: None of the Gundam Wing characters are mine. They belong to whomever they belong to. I am making no money off of this. I'm unemployed. That should clue you into my financial status. So don't bother trying to sue me.

______________________________________________

Two planes and a layover later, Duo decided he couldn't do it. It was impossible. _No respectable guy should be forced to go through with this._ It was one thing to hear the mission specs about having to act gay. It was a totally different thing to have another guy's hand on you. 

Duo suspected that if he had been paired with anyone else for the mission, things would have been different. They could have pretended and muddled their way through. No touching. No groping under plane blankets. No kissing. A little hugging and that would be it. _Sure it would have been a little less convincing, but it would have gotten the job done. But nooo. I get to be stuck with __anything-for-the-mission-Yuy_ who wants to make sure our act is perfect. 

More than once Duo had had to restrain himself from letting Heero know about his opinion with a well placed fist to the face. 

_What I need is to talk with someone who understands. I can't talk to Heero about these feelings. He'll just go on about the mission. I swear he's as bad as Wufei is about Justice._ Duo sat down at a pay phone, over night bag at his feet. People walked on through the airport, oblivious to the struggle going on in the braided boy's mind. 

_I need someone who understands. Someone who cares about my feelings. Someone who can let me know that it's going to be all right. Who can tell me how to act, what to expect, and what the most difficult parts are going to be. I need to talk with someone who is gay, and isn't afraid to act it._

_I need to call Quatre._

Normally he carried his phone card in his pockets but the gray slacks that Heero had provided lacked pockets. So instead, Duo had to dig through the pocket of his carry-on. Pens, coins, paper clips, unidentifiable metal buts, and plastic bottle caps that he'd yet to redeem for free drinks all slid against his sensitive finger tips. A little more digging produced a thin plastic phone card. It's black surface was broken by a grinning image of cowled Death, scythe gripped in both hands. A small fuzzy kitten sat contentedly at his feet. (1) 

The braided pilot barely gave the phone card a second glance as he picked up the phone, punched in the appropriate codes, and dialed Quatre's mansion. He heard the appropriate beeps and whirs that let him know it was being transferred across country lines. Then it began to ring. On the third ring it was picked up. 

"Hello, Winner residence." Duo heard the voice and almost apologized for dialing the wrong number. Then the words registered. 

"Trowa?" 

"Duo?" 

Duo sighed. _I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. Just about every time I call over there, you're there Trowa. When did you become Quatre's personal secretary?_ "Hey Trowa, can I speak to Quatre?" 

"Hm. I'll get him." Duo listened to the soft clatter of Trowa set the phone down. Then he waited. And waited. And waited. Long seconds that stretched by counted off one by one by the clock hanging over the phones and punctuated by the drone of conversations, a female voice asking if Mr. Scott McNeil (2) could please pick up the courtesy phone, the low rumble of jets. Duo fidgeted as the silence stretched out over the phone. 

_Where is Quatre? On the other side of the mansion? My poor phone card is going to run out before he even gets here._ A young girl, maybe four or five, came up to the phone booth staring at Duo with big blue eyes. Her hair was in blonde ringlets, her drees frilly and pink. He hated being stared at. Finally, the braided pilot covered the mouth piece and turned towards the child. 

"What?" 

"Are you a girl?" Duo closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. _I'm going to kill Heero for getting me this outfit._

"No. I'm a boy." 

"You have a braid," she calmly pointed out, using one finger to point to the hair that hung neatly down Duo's back. 

"Guys can have braids too." 

"You're not dressed like a girl." 

"That's because I'm a guy." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Want me to drop my pants and prove it?" Duo asked in a too sweet voice. The little girl's eyes widened to their fullest extent. A harried woman raced over to where the girl stood and scooped the child into her arms. She turned towards the Gundam pilot and gave him a venomous glare. 

"Keep away from my daughter pervert," the woman screamed at Duo. Heads turned towards him, the curious taking in the scene. Duo flipped the woman off and would have responded verbally, but Quatre chose that moment to come on the line. 

"Hello?" There was a pause and Quatre could here someone yelling in the background, but no one seemed to be on the line. "Is anyone there?" 

"Yeah, hi Quatre," Duo said as he brought the phone back up to his ear. "Can you hold on a second?" Then slightly fainter and obviously directed at someone else "Same to you bitch. And teach that brat of yours some manners while you're at it." Then back to Quatre "So how's it going?" 

"Duo. I wasn't expecting to hear from you any time soon. I contacted Wufei yesterday. He said that Heero and you were on a joint missions." Wuatre didn't say it, but Duo heard the questions anyway. _Heero wouldn't let anything compromise the mission If he knew that you planned on contacting me, he would have stopped it. Is something wrong?_

"Yeah, well this is kind of important. Did Wufei say anything about what the mission was about?" asked Duo, trying to keep his voice as even as possible. _Because if you did Wufei... I swear I will hunt you down and shoot you in the back._

"No, he wouldn't say much. Just stuttered a lot when I asked. It the mission going okay?" Quatre asked. Duo sighed. 

"Kind of. I have this problem and I need your help. Do you mind?" 

"No, of course not. What's the problem?" _Good old Quatre. I knew I could count on you._

"First off, let me give you some background on the mission.. We have to go after a scientists, big R&D guy who specializes in stuff that could eventually lead to a cannon powerful enough and mobile enough to shoot through even our Gundams. We need to find out how close the research he's doing is to completion. Which means we need to get real chummy with this scientist guy. Only OZ knows something's up so they're watching this guy like a hawk. They don't have our physical descriptions on file, but they've done some personality analysis. The professor's are worried that they might have actually done something right this time. Which is why Heero and I have to act like a gay couple." 

Duo waited for a response from Quatre. And waited. And waited... "And?" Quatre finally asked. His tone of voice stated more clearly than words that he didn't see where Duo was going with this. 

"And I figured that since you were gay and all that you could give me a few pointers, you know? Like how to act and what to expect and... stuff," Duo said. _Why is he making me explain the obvious?_

A pause. "Duo, I'm not gay." 

"Sure you are." 

"No, I'm not." 

"But... but... you wear pink. And... and... you sound girly. You're the only boy in a family full of girls. And... and... you wear pink," Duo said. It felt like his entire basis for reality had tilted to one side and was slowly slipping away. His world had become the Titanic. 

"Why does everyone think I'm gay? Because I wear pink? Pink is a perfectly manly color. Lots of guys wear pink. (3) I do not sound girly. And I'll have you know that my sisters would never do anything to turn me gay, supposing that they could. Since my father's death I am the head of the Winner household, and they know it. I'm tired of everyone just assuming they know about my sex life without even asking. I mean, when I first saw you I thought you were a girl, but I didn't automatically assume you were gay. People asked me about your sex life but did I assume I knew enough to form an opinion? No. I didn't assume anything. I told them that if they wanted to know they would have to ask you directly. And why does the fact that I wear pink make me gay? I'll have you know my great-grandfather wore..." Quatre's voice faded away as someone took the phone from him. There was a brief struggle, and one last "Pink is a perfectly manly color" before someone else got on the phone. 

Duo was still trying to come to terms with the fact that Quarte had a sex life when the person on the other end called his name. His mind was dealing with the more important detail that _someone_ had questioned his straightness when his named was called a second time. Therefore, Trowa had to call Duo's name a third time before he got the braided pilot's attention. 

"Duo?" 

"Huh... what?" 

"Duo, what did you say to him?" 

"I... I thought he was gay," Duo responded in a plaintive voice. There was a lengthy pause on the other end before Trowa replied. 

"Not yet." 

The dial tone was startlingly loud in Duo's ear as he stared at the receiver. He gingerly replaced the phone on the hook, his face still white from shock. Over head the attendant announced that Mrs. Generic's child was waiting for her at Gate Seven. Duo replaced the phone card he'd unknowingly been fiddling with back in his bag, and went to find Heero. 

He really, really did not want to know. 

______________________________________________

"What did Duo say? Why did you say 'not yet'?" Quatre asked as soon as Trowa hung up the phone. 

"He asked if you were mad enough to kill him. I told him not yet," Trowa replied without even a pause. "I guess he knew that he had pushed you too far." 

"Oh. I hope he knows I wasn't really that mad. I'm just tired of people assuming to much about me." The blonde Arabian sighed, giving the impression that he was the most put upon person on earth. Trowa could certainly sympathize. 

"I know, Quatre. So are we still on for orange smoothies this afternoon?" 

"Sure. I'll go get my coat." 

_It's a date then._ Trowa thought as he watched Quarte go up the stairs. 

______________________________________________

(1) Come on. It's a fic about a guy who calls himself Shinigami. Terry Pratchett's Death, HE WHO SPEAKS IN ALL CAPS, had to show up eventually 

(2) Yes, this is the name of Duo's English voice actor. You get a cookie if you knew this without having to look at the foot notes. 

(3)Yeah, like Tasuki. And we all know he's so not gay. Especially after having lived alone on a mountain top with nothing but male bandits during those oh-so-crucial formative years. Of course not...   


**The (A)typical Gundam Wing Fanfic: Part 3**  
By Tsaiko  
_© 2001, Tsaiko_  



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